I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Sorry about my life...
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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