so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Randomize
