Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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