I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize