So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
