so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
You smell like stripper and shame
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
