i used baking grease as lip gloss
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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