Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Randomize
