Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
