Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
