Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
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