my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
