I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Randomize
