I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I just had sex on a roof
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Randomize
