I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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