Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Randomize
