I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
