His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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