My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
