you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
My liver just had a heart attack.
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I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
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If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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