she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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