you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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