Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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