The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Randomize
