so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
