I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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