Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
