I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I will pee on everything he values.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
