What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
