I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
