How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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