I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
