quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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