There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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