Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
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So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
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i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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