She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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