On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
