I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
