Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
