before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
