One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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