After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
