So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
