her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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