I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
