I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
