I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
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