So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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