Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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