I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
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i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
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Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
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