I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
