porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
