yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
