i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Randomize
