Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
