Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
