For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
